The Emperor's New Doom
by AgiVega
Summary: Thanks to a mis-labelled potion of Yzma's, Kuzco ends up facing the greatest challenge of his life: fatherhood.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **in all honesty I have no idea what made me write a Kuzco-fic. Must have been a moment of insanity. XD Never mind, it's here, insane as it can be.

**Disclaimer: **The Emperor's New Groove and The Emperor's New School belong to Disney. I'm just fooling around with its characters and putting them in T-rated situations. Shame on me! :P

Thanks to Michael for the beta, as usual.

**The Emperor's New Doom**

**Chapter 1**

"Principal Amzy, have you seen Yzma by any chance?" Kronk entered the principal's office with an idiotic smile on his face.

"_I_ am Yzma!" Principal Amzy tore off her mask.

"Oh," Kronk breathed. "Really?"

"Yes, Kronk, really," Yzma said irritably. "Haven't I told you a thousand times?"

"Weeeell," Kronk scratched his head, "you might have. Yeah. Probably. But you should really write it down…"

Yzma rolled her eyes. "Never mind, Kronk. Have you fulfilled the task?"

"The task? Oh, yes, the task!" his eyes glinted. "Of course, the task! Yes, Yzma, I poured the howler monkey potion into Kuzco's drink at tonight's Kuzcoween party, just as you asked me, only…"

"Only _what_, Kronk?" Yzma snapped.

"Oh well… Malina sat down to Kuzco's table shortly after I'd poured some of the potion into Kuzco's drink but _befor_e he could have drunk any of it, and she put her glass down right next to his, and her glass looked exactly like his, so I just… had to pour some into both glasses to make sure that Kuzco would drink the potion!"

"Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant!" Yzma boxed into the air triumphantly. "Then we'll have two howler monkeys by tomorrow morning! And can a howler monkey sit on the throne?"

"Uh… I don't know," Kronk said.

"NO, you idiot, a howler monkey cannot sit on the throne!"

"Perhaps it can't, but the effect of your potions never lasts long…" Kronk pointed out.

"True," Yzma grinned, rubbing her hands together, "but this one is an exception. This is the Howler Monkey Forever Potion!"

"Wow, you must've spent a lot of time coming up with this name," Kronk said with true admiration. "I would never have managed to come up with one like this!"

"That's why I'm the brains here and you're the brawn, Kronk," Yzma snorted and turned back into Principal Amzy.

"Wow, Principal Amzy, are you the same as Yzma?" Kronk whistled. "I would never have guessed!"

oOo

The sun filtering through the window coaxed Malina back from dreamland. She opened her eyes, yawned and noted to herself that her thoughts were unusually hazy and sluggish, as if she had been hit on the head with a club. True, she might have drunk a little too much last night, but not even drinking should have resulted in such a blank mind. As much as her brain could work in its current half-frozen state, it suggested to her that she had forgotten something. But what exactly?

Malina shifted a bit to lift the blanket off herself, and that was when she realised that the blanket was not the only thing covering her – there was one thin and unfamiliar arm draped firmly across her midsection. Or was that arm truly unfamiliar?

Blood freezing in her veins, she chanced a glance over her shoulder, and even her heart missed a beat when her eyes fell upon the peacefully sleeping form of almost-emperor Kuzco. His lips were tucked into a childish smile that suggested he was having a particularly sweet dream – perhaps one about his people admiring him, or one about himself admiring himself in the mirror, or one about him and Malina having…

_What?_ – an outraged voice in Malina's mind screamed. _We can't be having __**anything**__ together! _

_But… haven't we had __**something**__ together?_ – another little voice in her mind replied teasingly.

The fact that various pieces of clothing were scattered all around the bed only added to her suspicions. For a second she felt grateful to all the Incan gods for having her family as far away as possible – they had left for a long weekend to Cure All Spa & Hot Springs, leaving her to celebrate Kuzcoween as she saw fit.

Malina's heart sank into her stomach. Her parents had trusted her, and apparently she had abused their trust. If only she could at least remember _how_ she had abused it, but even the benefit of proper remembrance was denied her! Then again, perhaps it was better to not fully remember…

Despite her sluggish thoughts and the gaping holes in her memories, she was still Malina, one of the top students at Kuzco Academy. She would not lose her sanity to stupid suspicions: she needed to ascertain things. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she peeked under the covers.

This was the very moment that Kuzco chose to wake up. Catching a highly upset lady peeking under the blanket that covered both their bodies struck him as an invasion of his royal privacy and made him scream and yank the blanket back in place. This resulted in the other end of the blanket being torn out of Malina's hands, leaving her completely naked. Now it was her turn to scream and grab the blanket to pull it back on her, which left Kuzco without any shelter of modesty.

"Malina!" he yelled, pulling up his spindly legs to hide his private parts as much as possible. "What are you doing?"

"I could be asking you the same!" she snapped, her eyes sending lightning bolts at him. "What the hell are you doing in my bed?"

"Well…" he scratched his jaw with a ponderous expression, "I don't really know what I'm doing here _right now_ – besides sitting naked and letting you yell at me – but I think I know what we were doing _last night_," he added, wriggling his eyebrows. "My memories are sort of hazy, but those few details I remember are really nice, for example I seem to recall that you're a real screamer…"

"Kuzco!" she swung a pillow at him.

"Now really, don't you remember anything of it?"

"Not much," she grunted, turning away from him. She didn't feel like looking at a nude male, even if the sight wasn't overall unpleasant. For a second she even wished he wouldn't curl into a ball like that and would show her more of himself, but then she shuddered at the mere idea of it. Seeing Kuzco of all people naked couldn't possibly be pleasant, and it was the last thing she would ever wish for! Then why… why did she _still_ wish for it? Was she in her right mind?

Suddenly she felt a light touch on her shoulder and his warm breath on her neck as he said, "But that 'not much' that you remember isn't bad, is it?" His voice sounded much less confident than it usually did, it lacked all the Kuzco-conceit that she had always found so irritating about him. Could he indeed be this gentle?

"No, Kuzco," she sighed. "Those small things I remember are quite nice."

"Hah! I knew!" he laughed, immediately back to his old, unbearably confident self. "Kuzco is good at everything, even in pleasing Malina! Uh-huh-uh-huh-uh-huh!"

She could only roll her eyes, her back still turned on him. "I only wish I knew how and why we got this far? I never intended to…"

"Well, I don't know about you, but as far as _I_ remember, last night I suddenly felt an insurmountable urge to make you my empress…"

"I'm _not_ your empress!" she turned around to face him, her eyes once again sparkling with fury. "And never will be! And tell you what, had I not felt the same insurmountable urge to be with you, I would never have done it!"

"But you did feel it, and that's what counts!" he pointed out, no longer trying to cover himself.

"Kuzco, don't you see it? We have acted on some unnatural instinct – something that didn't even come from us, but from outside!"

"Outside?" he frowned, looking out the window. "Where?"

"Yzma's lab, I'd guess," she sighed.

"But… why would Yzma want us to…?"

"I don't think she wanted us to… do that. This wouldn't be the first time that she gave you a potion with a wrong label and got different results than she wanted…" She bit into her lower lip, looking away. "Whatever we felt for each other last night, wasn't real and is over."

"But… but… it _was_ real, for me!" he stammered.

"I'm sorry, Kuzco, for me it isn't," she sniffed, pulling the blanket tighter around herself. "And now, please, leave my house."

"May I put my clothes back on first?"

Malina nearly laughed at the absurdity of the question. He had sounded so insecure again, so… cute. She hated to quell that warm, fuzzy feeling that always engulfed her whenever Kuzco had an 'insecure and cute' moment. Because, for the time being, Kuzco still had more 'stuck-up and selfish' moments than 'insecure and cute' ones. And as long as that remained like that, she would need to keep him at arm's length and offer him no more than her platonic friendship. But could they possibly be platonic friends after this?

oOo

Yzma's jaw dropped.

"Is everything all right, Principal Amzy?" Kronk asked upon approaching her on the terrace of Kuzco Academy.

"_All right_, you are asking me, Kronk?" she hissed, tearing her eye from the telescope she had been scanning the passers-by below on the street with. "Look into this!"

Kronk obliged. "Hey, that's Kuzco over there!"

"Yes, that's Kuzco, and he isn't a howler monkey!" Yzma snapped.

"But… why would he be a howler monkey?" Kronk scratched his head.

"Why? Because of the potion you gave him!"

"But… Principal Amzy, how do you know about that potion? It was Yzma who gave it to me…"

"_I_ am Yzma!" the principal tore off her mask.

"Oh, wow, really?" Kronk clapped enthusiastically. "That's a neat trick, show it again!"

Yzma rolled her eyes. "How come he hasn't turned into a howler monkey? And Malina? I've seen her too, she looked very human, if a bit forlorn…"

"Forlorn… that sounds very poetic," Kronk sighed.

"Show me that vial!"

"Which vial? The one that held the Howler Monkey Forever Potion?"

"Yes, that one."

"Here," Kronk pulled it out of his shirt.

Yzma snatched the vial out of his hand and her face fell. "But this isn't the Howler Monkey Forever Potion!"

"No?" he looked politely confused.

"No! Look at the label!"

"Well, it's half missing, but… it does look like a monkey!"

"It's not a monkey, it's Cupid's behind!" Yzma snarled.

"Uh-oh… how embarrassing for poor Cupid to have a behind that looks like a monkey! But Yzma…" Kronk blinked in confusion, "who is Cupid?"

oOo

"What happened?" asked Pacha, sitting down on the garden bench next to a thoroughly crestfallen Kuzco.

"Nothing," the young man shrugged.

"Something definitely has. You wouldn't be moping like that if something hadn't."

"I'm _not _moping," Kuzco grunted. "An emperor does not mope!"

"You're no emperor yet," Pacha pointed out.

"Glad to have you around to remind me of that."

"Glad to be of service," Pacha said good-naturedly, if with a little sarcastic edge. "But honestly, tell me what is eating away at you. Maybe I can help."

"Not unless you can turn back time and make last night unhappen," Kuzco said.

"'Unhappen' isn't even a word…"

"I've just invented it," grunted the young man. "An invention loads better than Kronk's bucket handle. I might even win a prize for it."

"You are unusually sarcastic today," Pacha perceived. "But you said something about last night. Did the Kuzcoween party go wrong?"

"Nope, at least, not until Kronk spiked mine and Malina's drinks."

"It should be 'Malina's and mine', that's the polite order," Pacha said gently.

"I'm the emperor," Kuzco stood up, "and it's all about me, remember that, peasant!" Just as Pacha was about to comment, the boy's shoulders sagged, and his mask of self-confidence crumbled. "I wish it was only about me this time! But no, it's about Malina too, and she hates me for it!"

"I doubt if she hates you," the older man shook his head with a benign smile, "and even if she looks like she does, it isn't real. She likes you, only hides it well."

"Even if she did like me before, she no longer does," Kuzco waved his hand, "and all thanks to that stupid love potion of Yzma's!"

"Love potion?" Pacha raised an eyebrow at his young friend. "You mean like that cutie potion that once made you irresistible to… everyone?"

"If only," Kuzco sighed, "that wasn't nearly as humiliating as this one… and that didn't result in Malina hating me!"

"Why, what did _this_ particular love potion do?"

"It made us…" Kuzco bit into his lower lip, "it made us… you know what!"

"In all honesty, no."

"Pacha, you can't be this slow on the uptake! You're married and have three kids! You know what the 'you know what' is!"

Understanding dawned on the older man. "Oh."

"Yes, _oh_. We lost our minds. Behaved like a pair of rabbits, if I recall it well…" A reminiscing smile appeared on Kuzco's face. "Malina indeed is a hottie-hot-hottie… especially without clothes… but," he shook himself back to reality, "she hates me now. And it wasn't even my fault! I'm innocent, Pacha! Just look at me and see how innocent I am!"

Pacha knitted his eyebrows and scratched his jaw. "I see no wings or halo… but I believe you that whatever Malina did was due to Yzma's potion. However, what _you_ did… I bet you would have done it even without the potion. Am I right?"

"No, absolutely no," Kuzco folded his arms with a defiant expression and turned his back on his friend. "Oh, okay, probably. Yes," he doubled back. "And so what? It doesn't matter what I would have done if the potion had only affected Malina! She hates me, and that's the point!"

"I see… But do tell, on what do you base your belief that she truly hates you?"

"She hasn't talked to me all day at school! Not a single word! Not even a teeny-weeny little smile! She haaaates meeeeee!" Kuzco broke into tears, but only for three seconds, then straightened his back and wiped his face. "Don't you ever dare tell her that I cried! I'd never live it down!" And he broke into tears again. Pacha pretended not to grin too much.

oOo

Kronk was getting thoroughly frustrated. After his failure at giving Kuzco the Howler Monkey Forever Potion at Kuzcoween, Yzma had dragged him down into her secret lab and pushed the vial of aforementioned potion into his hands, saying, "Keep this on you all the time, and once the opportunity arises, pour it into Kuzco's drink or drip it on his food. It's colourless and odourless, he won't notice. I don't care if you manage it in a week or a month or a year, but make sure you succeed, or I swear I'll use the potion on you!"

"But Yzma, how could you use it on me, if the potion is in my pocket and not in yours?" he had asked, making his boss roll her eyes.

Problem was, Kronk hadn't succeeded yet, although six whole weeks had passed since the fateful Kuzcoween incident. Kuzco himself had spent these past six weeks moping, sending Malina wistful glances that she more often than not did not return, and his grades were failing drastically which made only Yzma delighted. In these past six weeks, however, Kuzco had not only become depressed, but also overall suspicious. He simply refused to eat or drink anything offered to him by Kronk, although Kronk had tried it at least three dozen times. Just like now…

"But really, Kuzco, these are extremely delicious, and today is the Spinach Puffs for Kuzco Day, so you _must_ taste at least one of them."

"Thanks, Kronk, perhaps another time," Kuzco sighed, pushing away the tray Kronk had put before him. "I'm not hungry. Not when Malina doesn't even look at me…" He pouted, turning in the direction of the girl's table. "Have you seen that? As soon as I looked that way, she cast her eyes down! She's avoiding my stare! She hates me!"

"But why does she hate you?" Kronk asked.

Kuzco gave him a sour look. "None of your business. Eat your spinach puffs yourself, I've got to go to Mr. Moleguaco's class."

"Oh, good that you mention it, me too," Kronk tossed the tray of spinach puffs out the window. Had Kuzco chosen to taste them, he would have dripped a few drops of the potion on each spinach puff, but this way the vial remained hidden in his pocket, feeling heavier and heavier every day. What if he never managed to fulfil the task?

With a disappointed sigh, he hurried after Kuzco into Mr. Moleguaco's classroom.

They were having an absolutely fascinating Howler Monkey language lesson – _Are howler monkeys haunting me?_, Kronk wondered – and shortly after the lesson had started, Malina hopped up from her seat, mumbled something about needing to visit the bathroom, and stormed out with a white face and her hands pressed on her mouth.

Confused, Kronk stared after her. His confusion only heightened when Kuzco too jumped up and said, "Excuse me, professor, I must go and see if she's doing well…" And with that, he left the classroom, only to return five minutes later, sporting a black eye.

"Hey, Kuzco, you've got a black eye!" Kronk said.

"Yeah," Kuzco said darkly, "Moxie gave it to me when I tried to enter the girl's bathroom. She wouldn't believe me that I only wanted to check on Malina!"

"Never mind, it suits you," Kronk opined. "Do you think it would suit me too? I'd love to have a black eye like that! Do you think I should try to enter the girl's bathroom too and hope Moxie gives me one too?"

His friend only presented him with an even darker expression, and a few minutes later Malina reappeared, still as white as a sheet.

"You seem to be ill, Malina, please go home," Mr. Moleguaco said. "I need a volunteer to escort her home!"

"Me!" Kuzco and Kronk jumped up at once.

"Kronk, please," Malina whimpered, once again avoiding Kuzco's glance. Kronk was really, really getting confused about the behaviour of these two. Malina wasn't the type to whimper and Kuzco wasn't the type to mope. What could have happened? Did it have something to do with the potion that had the label depicting Cupid's behind? He scratched his head. He might never understand it.

oOo

"You know, you should really tell him," Chicha said benignly, taking a seat next to Malina. After Kronk had escorted the girl home, he had made an appearance in Pacha's house and told Chicha everything from Malina's illness to Kuzco's black eye. And the woman, knowing that Malina's parents were working on the fields and the girl was likely to be alone at home, decided to pay her a visit.

"Tell whom what?" Malina said, trying to look casual.

"You know exactly whom and what," the older woman said, placing a hand on the girl's shoulder.

"_I _might know, but how do _you_ know?" Malina frowned.

"Dear, I've had three, I recognise the signs."

"That's not what I meant," the girl said defiantly, "how do you know what happened between Kuzco and me? Did he tell you? Did he brag about it? If yes, then…" her hands made a move that suggested she was choking an invisible person.

"Calm down, dear. He didn't brag about it. Actually, he only told Pacha, and even Pacha barely could make him admit it. As for me, I sort of… overheard their discussion," Chicha chuckled, her eyes glinting with mirth.

"This isn't funny at all! This is… catastrophic!" Malina burst out. "What am I to do now?"

"As I've told you before, tell him."

"No!"

"He will find out sooner or later either way, so why not sooner than later, when he can still make amends without making things even more awkward for both of you?"

Malina crossed her arms. "I doubt if it could be any more awkward! And what do you think he would do if he found out? Marry me? As if I ever wanted to be his empress…!"

"Why, don't you?" Chicha arched an eyebrow at the girl.

"No! Well… perhaps… if he were a little more… deserving! But he's not! He's still conceited, narcissistic, selfish and irritating!"

"Yes, but much less than he used to be. He's changed a lot, for the better. Had you known him before he had been turned into a llama, you would see how much he has already changed, and I have no doubt he will continue walking on the right path, with your help."

"My help?"

"Yes, dear, yours," Chicha smiled. "Besides my husband you have been the one who has mostly influenced him and made him a better man."

"A _man_?" Malina let out a sarcastic little laugh. "He's no man, he's a boy, a kid, a selfish kid incapable of behaving like an adult! He could barely make himself take care of the kitty Homework! How could he be a proper husband and a proper… father?"

"Give him some credit," Chicha patted her gently on the shoulder. "He'll undoubtedly have some difficulties, but he has so far successfully risen to all challenges."

"You mean successfully cheated, lied and used others to reach his aims?" Malina said, her voice dripping with malice.

"I think you're just searching for excuses why you should not admit to yourself that you like him and why you should continue blaming him for what happened. But face it, dear, in this case, he _was_ innocent. Only that love potion can be blamed, and for that, only _Yzma_ can be blamed."

Malina let out a frustrated sigh. "Oh, all right. I might tell him. Just might."

At that moment there was a knock on the door, and before either of the women could answer, a sheepish-looking Kuzco let himself in. Malina thought how ironic it was that he managed to look sheepish and yet muster enough courage – or rather cheek – to enter without hearing a clear 'come in!'. But this was Kuzco, after all, why should she be surprised by anything he did?

"Er… hello, Malina," he sent her a meek smile. "I've just dropped by to see if you're doing better…"

"Yes, Kuzco, thanks," she sighed.

Chicha rose to her feet. "I think it's time to leave you kids alone. You've got a lot to discuss."

Malina watched as the older woman walked to the door and almost shouted after her to stop her, to beg her to not leave her alone with Kuzco, but her vocal cords had frozen and she found she couldn't utter a single word.

The door closed behind Chicha with a soft click, and Malina found herself facing a somewhat jittery-looking future emperor. She forced her facial muscles not to tuck into a grin. Kuzco always looked endearing when he looked nervous…

oOo

"I've really tried, Yzma," Kronk whined, "but Kuzco's horribly suspicious! He doesn't want to drink or eat anything I offer him! Today I tried twice: once with a coffee in the morning and once with spinach puffs at lunch, and I wanted to try again with some ice cream after classes, but I couldn't because I had to escort Malina home early because she felt sick because–"

"Sick?" Yzma interrupted, "_I_'m sick of your blundering, Kronk!"

Kronk, however, had probably not heard her comment about his blundering and reflected on her question, "Yes, sick. She ran out of Mr. Moleguaco's class to throw up. Kuzco ran after her, but ran into Moxie's fist in the girl's bathroom, so he has a really fashionable black eye now. I almost feel jealous of it… Really, could you give me one, Yzma? Pretty please?"

The woman was no longer paying attention to him. Her big bulging eyes were distant, she did not even blink for several seconds.

"Hey, Yzma, are you all right?" Kronk waved a hand before her face after a while. "You haven't blinked for one minute and twenty-nine seconds, I've checked the sun dial!"

Yzma shuddered and came back to reality. "You said Malina was throwing up?"

"Yes, but she didn't have a fever, nor a cough, nor a runny nose, nor diarrhoea, nor rashes, nothing. And she refused to visit the school doctor, though I dunno why…"

"Well, I think _I_ know why," a grim expression spread on Yzma's ugly face. "She's ashamed of her condition."

"Her condition? But what is there to be ashamed of being ill? Everyone falls ill once in a while!"

"She's not ill, Kronk!"

"No?"

"No! Six weeks ago Kuzco and Malina drank some of the Insurmountable Desire Potion, which must have led them to do naughty things…"

"What naughty things?"

Yzma carried on as though she hadn't heard Kronk's question, "…and you've kept telling me these six weeks how Malina has been avoiding Kuzco. That must be because she was ashamed of what had happened between them… and now she's vomiting! It all adds up, Kronk!"

"Adds up?" Kronk scratched his head. "What?"

"That fateful night Kuzco and Malina made a baby!"

"Oh, did they?" Kronk clapped. "How wonderful! But Yzma…" he knitted his eyebrows with a confused expression, "how did they make one?"

"Have you heard of the birds and the bees, Kronk?"

"Oh, of course, I've even seen them, and talked to a few, I can speak toucan perfectly!" Kronk grinned proudly.

Yzma slapped her face. "Never mind, Kronk. Do you know what this means?"

"That Pacha and Chicha's baby is getting a little friend to play with?" Kronk suggested with a wide smile.

"No, Kronk, it means we have another threat, therefore another target," Yzma said darkly. "We can deal with turning Kuzco into a howler monkey later. For the time being we've got to take care of this possible heir to the throne!"

"What do you mean by that?" Kronk swallowed, his grin fading from his face. He didn't like that look on his boss's face…

"It means, you big oaf, that we will kill Kuzco's little bastard!"

"But Yzma…" Kronk said in a small voice, "isn't 'bastard' a very rude word?"

oOo

**A/N: ahem. Reviews would be welcome.**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: hi, everyone! I'd like to thank you for the reviews on chapter one of this little insanity. It had a warmer welcome than I had expected it would…**

**I must admit I originally only wanted to write a one-shot, but then I decided it would be too long for a one-shot, so I cut the story in two chapters. Whoever was expecting a novel-length fic might be disappointed now. But I hope you're not **_**very**_** disappointed. :)**

**Oh, and I LOVED using the 'Kuzco stops the show' element from the TV series. It was fun! :D**

**Chapter 2**

Kronk swallowed the lump that had risen in his throat. Did he hear her right? Did Yzma truly want to kill poor Malina and her poor little baby? Could he assist her in something this evil?

"Of course you can, you're _her_ assistant, not Kuzco's, and why should you care about a child that is so small it can't even be seen yet?" Devil Kronk appeared on his left shoulder, madly waving with his pitchfork.

"Oh, no, you mustn't!" Angel Kronk appeared on his right shoulder, polishing his halo. "It is not nice harming a poor little baby that can't defend itself, or a poor girl who is made vulnerable by her condition! Or any girl at all! It's not gentlemanly!"

"Gentlemanly, eh!" Devil Kronk waved his hand. "Don't listen to the Angel, Kronk! Just look at him, he's wearing a stupid nightshirt! Would you listen to someone wearing a nightshirt?"

"Would you listen to someone wearing a stupid red stretch suit that makes him look like an idiot version of Superman?" Angel Kronk countered. "Let's listen to some heavenly music instead," he ran his fingers across the chords of his lute.

"What are you looking at, Kronk?" Yzma's voice made him snap out of listening to the debate between the two parts of his soul.

"Er… nothing, Yzma."

"Good. Now we only have to plot how to get rid of Malina and her little bastard child!"

"Yzma, 'bastard' truly is a rude word!" Kronk pointed out.

oOo

"Hey, Kuzco, you've got another back eye!" Kronk clasped his hands in delight the following morning. "Very pretty, do tell, how did you come by it?"

Just as Kuzco shot him a dark glance, the show halted.

"_Hi," Kuzco – without black eyes – walked before the screen with a remote control in his left hand and a red marker in his right. "You might not understand what happened here, because we skipped a huge part of the show, and an important one at that, but it will all make sense if we go back earlier. So let's do that. Oh, and remember, this __**isn't**__ how I normally look," he drew a circle around himself on the still frame. "The Kuzco with two black eyes isn't the Real Kuzco. The Real Kuzco is perfectly beautiful! So, where was I? Oh, yeah, the scene I actually skipped over. Let's rewind the tape." With that he pointed his remote control at the still frame until it stopped at a certain scene several hours earlier. "Now, this is what you've got to see! The most romantic moment of my whole life!" He sighed, tears welling up in his eyes, and he side-stepped, out of sight, while the scene on the screen started to play, showing Malina's room in the late afternoon._

"Well…" Kuzco ran a hand nervously across his black locks, "Chicha said we had a lot to discuss. In all honesty I haven't the faintest idea what she meant, but… I hope you're really doing better."

Malina bit into her lower lip, her cheeks colouring slightly as she nodded.

For a long moment Kuzco just stared at her, his eyes a little hazy, but didn't say a word. Malina didn't know how to break the news to him, and the awkward silence was making her more and more anxious with every passing second. Finally she burst out, "You're thinking I'm a hottie-hot-hottie again, aren't you?"

"Well, yeah…" he grinned sheepishly, as much as he of all people could be sheepish. "You're always hot, Malina. Why, you even looked hot when you were puking."

"You didn't actually get to see me puking, because Moxie stopped you from entering the girls' bathroom. By the way, you _so_ deserved that black eye!"

The would-be emperor made a grimace. "I know I don't look particularly dashing now, but… you've got to admit that I normally do!"

It was her turn to grimace. "Sure. Just as much as you're normally meek and modest."

"Now Malina, that was below the belt!" He crossed his arms with a petulant look. "But… even if _I_ don't look particularly dashing now, _you_ are still hot, and whether you like it or not, I'm always going to think you are!"

"Yeah? Even when I'm as fat as a whale?" she asked challengingly.

"Why would you ever be as fat as a whale… unless Yzma turned you into one?" he arched an eyebrow at her.

"Why? Let's see," she said sarcastically, "perhaps because of the fruit of Kuzcoween's night?"

"Fruit? What fruit?" he frowned, looking around in confusion.

"For heaven's sake, you can't be this slow on the uptake, Kuzco!" she stomped her foot. "I'm pregnant!"

"You're… what?" he blinked.

"YOU'RE WHAT?" came a thundering voice from the door's direction. A voice that sounded horribly like Malina's father's.

"_Hey," the black-eye-less Kuzco walked before the screen that once again held a frozen frame. "I suggest we just skip this part. Suffice to say that this is how and when I got my second black eye… from Malina's dad. He first punched me, then chased me around the table a bit, shouting that he'd crush my royal balls if I didn't marry his daughter right away… it was __**most humiliating**__," he rolled his eyes, "besides it's not a sight for kids. We might need to raise the rating to M if we showed such horrible violence, so… yeah, let's just skip it, shall we? Especially because this wasn't the romantic moment I mentioned earlier. The romantic moment came only after this, after I had shouted back to Malina's father that I would gladly marry his daughter and he stopped chasing me and bellowed that it must be done within a week. And then he left. So… let the show go on." With that he pressed the 'play' button, and the screen came alive again._

"So…" Kuzco tried to muster a smile which proved to be a hard task, given the fact that both his eyes were aching from punches and he was still gasping for breath after having been chased around the table by Malina's father. "Er… Malina…"

She gave him a piercing stare. "So, my father made you promise you'd marry me. But what makes you think that _I_ would be willing to marry you?"

"Wouldn't you?" his eyes widened in shock. He couldn't imagine any woman who wouldn't be jumping for joy to marry a would-be emperor, especially one as handsome as he was sure he was.

"Perhaps I would, if you only approached the subject… differently," she said with a challenging edge.

"Differently? How?"

Malina shook her head in disbelief. "You haven't changed a bit since I first agreed to go on a date with you! And I expect you remember what you did then?"

"Er…" he let out a nervous little laugh, "I told you that I was getting married to Princess Lalala and I was cancelling the date?"

"Yeah," she grunted. "All you cared for was finally getting a chance to leave school and sit back on the throne! I bet you're _so_ glad to have landed me in this situation, because if I marry you, you'll get to be emperor at once! But tell you what, Kuzco, I will not marry you at all as long as it's all about _you _and your stupid throne and not about _us_ and our baby!"

"You said… baby?" Kuzco's forced smile faded. It was this moment that the realisation truly struck him that Malina's being pregnant would very likely result in her giving birth to a baby. _Their baby._

"Yeah."

"Heavens, I'm DOOMED!" Kuzco screamed and fainted.

"_No, kiddies, this still isn't the romantic part," black-eye-less Kuzco walked before the screen once again. "Okay, I fainted. So what? Do you have any idea what a huge responsibility it is to have a child of your own? Well, you'll find out once you're old enough! Come to think of it… I'm NOT old enough for this myself! I'm really doooooomed!" He burst into tears, but only for three seconds, then straightened his back to look as royal as possible. "Why are you looking at me like that? Haven't you seen a ruler get a nervous breakdown? Well… back to the show. The romantic part is coming, I promise! What, don't you trust me? Just because I've told a few itty-bitty little lies once in a while? Well, I'll prove to you that I haven't lied this time," and he pointed the remote control on the screen._

Kuzco was awoken by someone slapping him across the face, hard. "Ouch, that hurt!" he mumbled, his eyes still closed.

"Kuzco, I'm the one pregnant here, and you're the one losing consciousness! Aren't you ashamed?"

"Malina?" his eyes flew open and saw her looking half-furious half-worried. "Hey, you're worried about me!"

"I'm not worried about you!"

"Yes, you are," he sat up, his inner filling with some unknown warmth.

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are!"

"Kuzco, we're not in kindergarten," she sighed. "We're to talk about really… serious stuff here, so behave like a proper adult for a change!"

"Behave like a what?" he arched an eyebrow at her.

"Like a father-to-be. Shoulder some responsibility," she jabbed her index-finger at his chest.

"The only one here who should shoulder responsibility for this whole mess is Yzma!" he protested.

"_This whole mess_?" Malina jumped to her feet. "You're calling our child a mess? Get out! This instant! I don't want to see you, ever again!"

"Malina, Malina, calm down and let's discuss this like… what did you call it? Ah, _adults_, yeah!"

"I don't think there's anything left to discuss, I'm not marrying you!" she turned her back on him.

"But if you don't marry me, your father's going to rip my royal balls off! Not to mention that our baby will grow up not as a prince but as a peasant!"

"And?" she doubled back, her eyes blazing with fury. "It'll be much better for it to be a peasant than to grow up into someone like you! Someone as selfish, stuck-up, insensitive…"

"_Hey, she does love me, eh?" Kuzco grinned half-heartedly before the still frame. "Sorry, let the show go on!"_

"But Malina, it won't grow up to be like me if you're around to keep it in line!" Kuzco said.

"What?" she gasped in disbelief.

"It's you, Malina!" he sighed, no longer able to keep his feelings hidden or at least concealed by his facade of caring only for her looks. He had long ago started to see more in her than just her pretty face. "It's you… you who's been keeping me in line for years! I had no parents, but if our kid has a mother as wonderful as you, it won't turn out like I did!"

"Oh, Kuzco…" she sniffed, tears welling up in her eyes. "Do you really think I'm going to be a wonderful mother?"

"Well, you're surely going to be much better as a mother than I will be as a father," he replied with a bashful grin, only to be swept off his feet by Malina throwing herself on his neck and plastering her lips to his.

"_Well, this is what I've been talking about," black-eye-less Kuzco grinned before the screen, then pushed the 'play' button again._

Kuzco fell on the soft llama-hide carpet and Malina ended up straddling him. "Wow," he said, licking his lips after she had ended the kiss, "this is quite a suggestive posture…"

"Oh," she reddened, sliding off him. "Sorry."

"Never be, honey. This was the best kiss I've ever received."

"Not that you've received so many," she said with a lopsided smile.

"Point taken," he admitted, pulling himself up into a sitting position. "So… are you no longer against marrying me?"

"Not particularly," she shrugged, "but I have conditions."

"Don't spare me."

"One, I finish Kuzco Academy, despite my condition. Two, I will attend Kuzford University by correspondence course to get my Master's Degree. And three, you too will finish Kuzco Academy, emperor or not. I'd die of shame to be married to someone who doesn't even have a high school diploma!"

Kuzco heaved a sigh. "Oh, all right…" He had been so hoping to have a chance to quit school and be back on the throne just by means of marriage! Then again, several months earlier when he had had the chance to marry Princess Lalala, he had rather chosen school than her. He still had pangs of remorse over having let Malina down and nearly marrying someone else for power, but perhaps he still had a chance to make his mistakes right and be an exemplary husband and father.

"_Exemplary father?" Kuzco waved his hand at the screen behind him, laughing. "That guy on the screen is kind of delusional to think he'll ever be an exemplary father… What're you saying? That the guy on the screen is __**me**__? Whoops. Yeah," he added with a painful expression, "he's me. And I'll get Yzma for this some day, I swear! But let's look at the bright side of things, at least I'm getting my throne back, and I'm getting Malina for ever! Boys, admit that you're all green with envy, for this hottie-hot-hottie is mine! MINE!"_

"_Yeah, just don't get a big head," Malina appeared before the screen as well. "Or is it too late for that? Anyway, I have trust in your abilities to be an exemplary father, Kuzco, dear."_

"_You do, honey?" his eyes widened in surprise._

"_Yes," she pecked him on the cheek, "you'll do just okay. Besides, my feelings have never deceived me yet, and if I love you, it means you must be at least a bit deserving of it."_

"_You mean… you really love me?" he gasped, then grinned into the camera. "See? I told you she did!"_

oOo

Kronk wasn't paying proper attention to preparing the wedding feast. Normally putting together a feast of ten courses meant no problem for him, but currently every cell of his tiny little mind was filled with concern for his friends. Yzma had ordered him to pour the poison into Malina's drink and serve it for her at the wedding reception, also, if possible, turn Kuzco into a howler monkey at the same time. And his mind was most definitely rebelling against the thought, even his hands were trembling with suppressed emotions as he tried to fish boiled eggs out of a pot of hot water. "This just isn't fair!" he muttered, shaking with nerves and fury, and as a result, one of the boiled eggs rolled off the spoon. Kronk instinctively lunged after it, but by hastily catching the egg in midair he not only burned his fingers but also bent too far, and one of the vials slipped out of his pocket. It landed and broke on the hard marble floor of the Royal Kitchen with a resounding crash. Very typical of Yzma: even her vials tended to break menacingly!

For a moment Kronk was engulfed in lilac mist that cackled evilly (_cackling mist? how very Ymzaesque_, he thought with a hint of sarcasm), then the mist dissolved, leaving the unfortunate cook frozen in his bent position, still clutching at the hot egg. With a hiss of pain, he dropped the egg and ran for the basin to submerge his aching hand into cold water.

"Now look what you've done to Yzma's ingenious poison!" Devil Kronk appeared on his left shoulder. "It's all wasted!"

"Thanks heaven it is," Angel Kronk countered, "it shouldn't have been used anyway."

"But what will you tell Yzma now?" Devil Kronk asked challengingly.

"Er… I don't know," Kronk admitted.

"At least hide the vial, idiot!" Devil Kronk poked him with his pitchfork.

"Kronk, what are you muttering to yourself?" Yzma entered the kitchen, and Kronk had just in time managed to kick the broken shards of the vial under the table.

"Me? Nothing, Yzma! Just… repeating the recipe to myself so that I don't leave out an ingredient!"

"Indeed?" she gave him a dubious look. "Never mind. By this evening Kuzco's little family will be wiped out, and I will be empress!"

Kronk stared at the pot still almost full of boiled eggs and said nothing.

"What, no cheering?" Yzma put her spidery arms on her hips. "I expected a little more enthusiasm!"

"Oh, I _am _enthusiastic, Yzma… I'm just… too much concentrating on the feast."

"Then make sure you're ready soon, the guests are going to arrive any minute," she grunted. "By the way, have you poured the poison in Malina's drink yet?"

"Uh…"

"Good," Yzma said, taking his 'uh' for 'yes', and marched out.

"Concentrating on the feast, eh?" Devil Kronk spat. "You're having pangs of remorse, and not because of having broken the vial, but because of what you had nearly done! I'm ashamed of you, Kronk!"

"I'm proud of you, Kronk," Angel Kronk patted him on the shoulder. "And now, let's finish the soufflé!"

"But it's not soufflé that I'm making," Kronk said, "or I wouldn't have boiled the eggs!"

"Oh, really," Angel Kronk slapped his forehead. "Sorry, egg dishes have never been my forte… but I can help you in making the dessert! Banana-split is my favourite!"

"Yzma's going to kill me for this," Kronk muttered, "but hey," he brightened, "I'll at least die a hero! Do you think Kuzco's going to raise a monument in my memory? Kronk The Great Who Saved Empress Malina, that should be its name. Brilliant!"

oOo

"Jeez, Kronk, this is inedible!" Kuzco grimaced at the tomato soup. "What happened to you, man? You used to know how to cook!"

"Er… I'm sorry," Kronk flushed, "I must have been too excited and didn't pay proper attention…"

"I think this isn't bad at all," Malina tried to smile and force down a spoonful of soup only to slap her hands on her mouth and run to a nearby flower pot to puke into. Kuzco followed her example.

"But Kuzco, you aren't even pregnant," Kronk said half-heartedly.

"I'm just… trying to imagine myself in Malina's place," Kuzco said, wiping his mouth in a lacy handkerchief.

"Oh, Kuzco, are you doing this out of sympathy for me?" Malina melted.

"Sure, honey… anything for you," Kuzco wriggled his eyebrows at her. "But… it wasn't that hard to vomit, this stuff is horrible."

"A toast to our emperor and empress!" Yzma rose to her feet, perhaps in an attempt to save her assistant from losing face. Or to gain the attention that she always sought. Or perhaps only because she was thirsty. "Kronk, serve us the drinks!"

"Riiii-iiight," Kronk gave his boss a look that he intended to be the look of a true accomplice and dashed to the sideboard for the cups.

"You know, I honestly don't know why I let you of all people cook for my wedding," Kuzco said casually, "you might as well try to poison me again…"

Kronk froze, only his eyes kept their ability of movement – they slid on Yzma, then back on Kuzco, who suddenly burst out laughing. "Just pulling your leg, old friend! After all, no one would be stupid enough to poison me on my wedding day!"

"Riiiight, no one!" Kronk unfroze and nodded vigorously. "Right, Yzma?"

"Of course," she mustered her most sickeningly sweet smile, and as soon as Kronk placed the tray before Kuzco and Malina and took a step back, she sidled to him and whispered, "which one is the one?"

"The one?" Kronk blinked. "Oh, _the one_! That one, on the left! Or… the one in the middle? Or… the right one?"

"Kronk!" Yzma whispered back, exasperation clearly audible in her voice despite its hushed quality.

"The one on the left," he said. "I'm sure."

"Absolutely?"

"Yeah."

"What are you whispering?" Kuzco arched an eyebrow at them. "Are you discussing the means to kill me?" As both Kronk and Yzma froze, he once again burst out laughing. "Hah, you should've seen your faces!"

"Kuzco, this isn't funny!" Malina scolded him gently. "Kronk has put so much time and effort into the wedding feast… don't make fun of him!"

"All right, sweetie, I'll be civil, just for you," Kuzco replied. "I love you."

"I love you too," Malina leaned in for a kiss.

"Bleh, they've both just vomited," Chaca commented from the other end of the table, while Kronk let out an almighty "Awwwww, how romantic!", and wiped his eyes.

Yzma used this moment to uncork a vial that held the label 'Fireworks for Diversion'. In an instant the room was filled with fireworks of all colours of the rainbow and in all shapes (ranging from llamas to grinning Yzma-heads), engaging everyone's attention an eliciting OOOOOHs and AAAAAHs from their lips. "Now, Kronk," Yzma whispered to her assistant, "pour the Howler Monkey Forever Potion into one of the remaining two cups!"

Since Kuzco and Malina were busy snogging and everyone else was watching the fireworks, Kronk poured the potion into the one in the middle, then said, "Hey, Yzma, look, isn't that your mother over there?"

"Where?" Yzma glanced in the direction Kronk had pointed.

"Jeez, sorry, I thought that one of the fireworks sparkles looked like your mom!" Kronk apologised.

"Never mind, Kronk," Yzma waved, snatching up the cup on the right. "A toast! Long live Emperor Kuzco and Empress Yz… I mean, Empress Malina!"

"Hear hear!" Kuzco raised the cup before him, "long live I! And Malina, of course," he added hastily. "Kronk, you may serve the rest of the guests something to drink too."

"May I?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"I must say, Sire, that you've changed a lot," the Royal Record Keeper popped up from nowhere like he always did. "The old Kuzco would never have shared his drinks with his subjects! You're amazingly generous, Sire!"

"_Yes, we all know how wonderful I am," Kuzco walked before the screen with his usual remote control and red marker. "I'm generous, good-looking, heroic, good-looking, loyal and good-looking! Did I mention good-looking? Well, back to business. Did you pay proper attention to what was happening here? Did you keep your eyes on the three cups before me, Malina and Yzma? What? Are you telling me it should be __**Malina, Yzma and me**__? Oh, okay, whatever, it's my wedding day, and I'm unusually generous today! So, did you keep your eyes on the cups before Malina, Yzma and me? Even when I and Malina… I mean, Malina and I were not, because we were kissing? And even when Yzma was not, because she was looking for her mother? Did you see that Kronk swapped the middle and the right cup? These ones," he drew a circle around the cup in the middle and the one on the right. "Not this one," he scratched out the one on the left, "for this one is filled with what Yzma thinks is poison meant for Malina. Yzma would never take that one. Now, she thinks the cup in the middle holds the howler monkey potion meant for me. But she's mistaken, 'cause it's completely harmless wine just like Malina's! That Kronk guy isn't half as stupid as he looks, I might promote him to Royal Advisor, after all! Now that we've cleared things, let the show go on!"_

"Are we drinking at last, or not?" Yzma interrupted the Royal Record Keeper's gushing.

"Yes, of course," Kuzco lifted the cup that stood before him, and so did Malina with the one before her. "Cheerio!"

"Cheerio!" yelped Yzma triumphantly, and downed her drink in one gulp.

For a long moment everyone stared at her, then Kuzco spoke up, "Backfiring potions, Yzma dear?"

Yzma replied something that seemed like a furious retort, but only howler-monkey-like howls escaped her mouth. Because she was a howler monkey.

"_Yeah," Kuzco stopped the show, "she drank her own howler monkey potion. It's obvious that she turned into a howler monkey after drinking a howler monkey potion, eh?" _

"Wow, she's a howler monkey," Chaca and Tipo whistled in admiration. "Suits her well!"

"And you know what's best about it?" Kronk grinned, rubbing his hands in delight. "It's got no antidote!"

"_Yeah! No antidote!" Kuzco made a little jig in front of the screen. "Yzma's turned into a howler monkey for ever and she can't harm me anymoooooore! Sorry… where were we?"_

"That's great," Kuzco the young groom said, "but please, would someone shut Yzma up? This howling gives me a royal headache!"

"_Truth be told, Yzma's howling isn't the only thing that gives me a royal headache," Kuzco made a grimace at the frozen frame. "Let's wind the tape forward a bit, okay? Seven and a half month__s will suffice…"_

"Congratulations, Sire," the Royal Midwife beamed, "you've got a beautiful little girl!"

"Great!" Kuzco boxed triumphantly into the air, only to freeze in mid-move. "Wait… did you say… a GIRL???"

"_And that's not even the headache I was talking about, or only part of it," Kuzco grimaced and pushed the 'forward' button._

"I must admit I'm proud of you, Kuzco," Mr. Moleguaco said. "You have become emperor and still decided to continue your studies! For the last one and a half years you've managed to deal with all the tasks of a ruler, met the challenge of being a good husband to Malina and a caring father for Kuzcolina, _and_ even completed your school duties! You've done well, my boy!"

"_You know, I'd deserve a praise at least ten times as big as this," Kuzco jabbed a finger at the screen and stifled a yawn. "You have no idea what it's like to listen to your subjects' complaints for hours, go through the financial reports of the kingdom until your head's buzzing with data, accomplish your tiresome school tasks, satisfy your wife in bed **and** change your kid's diapers at three in the morning! Oh, okay, perhaps the satisfying your wife part isn't that horrible, but… I'm just one man and twenty-four hours isn't enough!" His voice was gaining a hysterical quality. "Malina insists that as long as we keep attending Kuzco Academy and leave the baby with the nurses at daytime, we at least have to take care of her after school! Do you see the dark circles under my eyes? I haven't slept a wink for weeks! It's harmful for my natural beauty! And all Mr. Moleguaco can say is 'you've done well, my boy'?_

"Oh, it's nothing," Kuzco waved superciliously. "I can do everything I set my mind on. I'm the emperor, son of the Sun God, remember?"

"Well, Your Divineness, I only have one question left," Mr. Moleguaco said, his impressive eyebrows twitching with amusement, "why haven't you handed in the composition about Bucky the squirrel? It was due today."

That was the last straw that broke the llama's back. Kuzco's façade of divineness crumbled and he burst into tears, "You wouldn't believe me… but the baby ate my homework!"

**FIN**

**A/N:** remember that episode in which Kuzco claimed that a croc ate his homework, then Yzma turned Kronk into a llama and made him truly eat Kuzco's homework? I couldn't resist to re-use that pun. XD

And now, after this little foray into craziness, I feel it's time for me to return to more serious fanfic themes. Temeraire fans: beware, for AgiVega is currently writing a new, multi-chaptered Laurence/Emily fanfic that is at least as dark as _Like Mother, Like Daughter_, if not darker. And it's EVIL. :P

**R****eviews would be much appreciated!**


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